frozenfoxtale (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} frozenfoxtale) wrote,@ 2008-10-12 09:42:00 |
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National Coming Out Day
... is October 11th. It's actually October 12th here right now. But it's Oct 11th in the States - which is the nation in question. So! Many of you already know this, but in the spirit of Coming Out Day:
My name is Rebecca Crane. I am queer and polyamorous.
How 'bout you?
I've actually been coming out a lot lately, especially in regards to being poly, because I've been meeting so many new people. Both over Winfly and now with the beginning of Mainbody - station population has exploded to about 800 in the last week - I have found myself explaining my "situation" more often than usual. As always, some people are more receptive than others.
The other day, somebody posted this list in a community I read: How to Be a Poly-Friendly Monogamous Person. There are similar lists and discussions out there re: other marginalized groups, and I've found them to be some of the most helpful tools in my own struggles to be a better ally. But it's the first time I've ever seen this type of articulated write-up about how to be a Poly Ally. It made me so happy to see it, because it reminded me that there are allies out there. :)
It always helps to remember that you have a support network. Coming out can be exhausting. And even if you've done it a million times, it can still be scary. (Case in point: I'm a little nervous about posting this today because I know my parents will read it.) I'm lucky in that many of my friends, both monogamous and otherwise, already follow the guidelines in this list naturally, simply because they respect and love me. I also know that not everybody is so lucky.
If you want to support the people in your life and community who may not be monogamous (and remember you won't always know who they are), check out the rest of that post and the comments on it. The list is below the cut:
How to Be a Polyamorous Ally
byinki
1) Remember that polyamorous people are pretty much like monogamous people, only not monogamous. Being polyamorous doesn't mean that they have particular physical features, hobbies, or sexualities. Don't generalize about poly people. Don't assume that you know jack about polyamory - unless you've been doing it, you really don't. Even if you have tried nonmonogamy at some point, it tends to go differently for different people, so your experience is probably going to be different than someone else's.
2) Don't assume poly people are sexually insatiable or even have a high sex drive. Some do, some don't.
3) Don't assume poly people are sluts or available. Do not assume that they have casual sex: some do, some don't. At the same time, if you have a problem with people who are slutty or have casual sex, recognize that you are prejudiced and get over it.
4) Do not assume that poly people are cheating or somehow hiding things from their partners. Chances are, they are not.
5) When someone tells you they are poly, do not assume that they are hitting on you. They are probably not. Do not assume they are available to date or sleep with you just because they're poly.
6) Don't date poly people unless you are at least willing to invest some serious time and energy (measured in years) into either a) becoming poly yourself or b) getting over jealousy enough so that they can date other people.
7) Do not start dating a poly (or really, any nonmonogamous) person with the assumption that once you and they fall in love, they'll be monogamous with you. They probably won't, and this leads to heartbreak on all sides. If a person says to you that they plan on being nonmonogamous indefinitely, believe them.
8) If you want to date someone in a monogamous manner, say so explicitly early in the relationship. Don't assume that because you slept together (moved in, met the parents, etc) that you must be monogamous now. You might be surprised by what assumptions they have been making about monogamy or the lack thereof.
9) When a poly person breaks up with one of their lovers, don't think that they should be fine because they still have others. It doesn't work like that, even when monogamous people do it.
10) When a poly person breaks up or has a bad relationship experience, do not tell them it is because polyamory doesn't work. Monogamous people break up all the time, but that doesn't prove that monogamy is doomed to failure. Similarly, if a poly person decides to become monogamous, don't assume that all poly people are just fooling themselves. Polyamory does work, just not for everyone.
11) Don't assume that jealousy makes polyamory impossible. Some people don't get jealous, and others get good at managing or deprogramming their jealousy.
12) Don't get defensive. Polyamorous people are not saying that monogamy is inferior. (Or if they are, they're wrong.) Don't say things like, "I could never do that, I just get too jealous". Saying such things makes you look insecure in your monogamy. If you find yourself getting defensive around polyamorous people, check yourself: maybe you are insecure in monogamy in some way.
13) Don't assume that if your partner/lover/spouse meets a poly person, they will suddenly be seduced by polyamory. If you are that insecure about your partner's monogamy, maybe you should work on your relationship with them.
14) Don't assume people you meet are monogamous. Given the rates of negotiated nonmonogamy and cheating, there's a really good chance that you're wrong.
15) If you meet someone who is dissatisfied with monogamy or having trouble with monogamy, mention polyamory (or other types of negotiated nonmonogamy) to them as a possibility. Lots of people become polyamorous later in life simply because they did not know it was a possibility when they were younger.
16) Question your own prejudices about which relationships are valuable and worthy of celebration. Do you consider nonmonogamous relationships to somehow be inferior or less loving? Do you assume that they are unstable, or always end quickly? Do you understand that commitment and monogamy are not the same thing?
17) Note when monogamous assumptions are built into books or media. Ask yourself questions like, "how would this romantic comedy be different if nonmonogamy was a possibility?".
18) Check out poly resources of various sorts: online, books, etc. This serves two purposes. Not only do you get to know better what it is like to be polyamorous, but many poly relationship techniques (like managing jealousy or learning to communicate better) are really helpful in monogamous relationships.
Also, here's GLAAD's very short and sweet list of ways to be an ally to LGBTQ people in your community: How to Be an Ally and a Friend. Most of these suggestions go equally well for any oppressed group, not just queer folks. Try Googling "how to be an ally" for even more.
And have a happy Coming Out Day!
... is October 11th. It's actually October 12th here right now. But it's Oct 11th in the States - which is the nation in question. So! Many of you already know this, but in the spirit of Coming Out Day:
My name is Rebecca Crane. I am queer and polyamorous.
How 'bout you?
I've actually been coming out a lot lately, especially in regards to being poly, because I've been meeting so many new people. Both over Winfly and now with the beginning of Mainbody - station population has exploded to about 800 in the last week - I have found myself explaining my "situation" more often than usual. As always, some people are more receptive than others.
The other day, somebody posted this list in a community I read: How to Be a Poly-Friendly Monogamous Person. There are similar lists and discussions out there re: other marginalized groups, and I've found them to be some of the most helpful tools in my own struggles to be a better ally. But it's the first time I've ever seen this type of articulated write-up about how to be a Poly Ally. It made me so happy to see it, because it reminded me that there are allies out there. :)
It always helps to remember that you have a support network. Coming out can be exhausting. And even if you've done it a million times, it can still be scary. (Case in point: I'm a little nervous about posting this today because I know my parents will read it.) I'm lucky in that many of my friends, both monogamous and otherwise, already follow the guidelines in this list naturally, simply because they respect and love me. I also know that not everybody is so lucky.
If you want to support the people in your life and community who may not be monogamous (and remember you won't always know who they are), check out the rest of that post and the comments on it. The list is below the cut:
How to Be a Polyamorous Ally
by
inki1) Remember that polyamorous people are pretty much like monogamous people, only not monogamous. Being polyamorous doesn't mean that they have particular physical features, hobbies, or sexualities. Don't generalize about poly people. Don't assume that you know jack about polyamory - unless you've been doing it, you really don't. Even if you have tried nonmonogamy at some point, it tends to go differently for different people, so your experience is probably going to be different than someone else's.
2) Don't assume poly people are sexually insatiable or even have a high sex drive. Some do, some don't.
3) Don't assume poly people are sluts or available. Do not assume that they have casual sex: some do, some don't. At the same time, if you have a problem with people who are slutty or have casual sex, recognize that you are prejudiced and get over it.
4) Do not assume that poly people are cheating or somehow hiding things from their partners. Chances are, they are not.
5) When someone tells you they are poly, do not assume that they are hitting on you. They are probably not. Do not assume they are available to date or sleep with you just because they're poly.
6) Don't date poly people unless you are at least willing to invest some serious time and energy (measured in years) into either a) becoming poly yourself or b) getting over jealousy enough so that they can date other people.
7) Do not start dating a poly (or really, any nonmonogamous) person with the assumption that once you and they fall in love, they'll be monogamous with you. They probably won't, and this leads to heartbreak on all sides. If a person says to you that they plan on being nonmonogamous indefinitely, believe them.
8) If you want to date someone in a monogamous manner, say so explicitly early in the relationship. Don't assume that because you slept together (moved in, met the parents, etc) that you must be monogamous now. You might be surprised by what assumptions they have been making about monogamy or the lack thereof.
9) When a poly person breaks up with one of their lovers, don't think that they should be fine because they still have others. It doesn't work like that, even when monogamous people do it.
10) When a poly person breaks up or has a bad relationship experience, do not tell them it is because polyamory doesn't work. Monogamous people break up all the time, but that doesn't prove that monogamy is doomed to failure. Similarly, if a poly person decides to become monogamous, don't assume that all poly people are just fooling themselves. Polyamory does work, just not for everyone.
11) Don't assume that jealousy makes polyamory impossible. Some people don't get jealous, and others get good at managing or deprogramming their jealousy.
12) Don't get defensive. Polyamorous people are not saying that monogamy is inferior. (Or if they are, they're wrong.) Don't say things like, "I could never do that, I just get too jealous". Saying such things makes you look insecure in your monogamy. If you find yourself getting defensive around polyamorous people, check yourself: maybe you are insecure in monogamy in some way.
13) Don't assume that if your partner/lover/spouse meets a poly person, they will suddenly be seduced by polyamory. If you are that insecure about your partner's monogamy, maybe you should work on your relationship with them.
14) Don't assume people you meet are monogamous. Given the rates of negotiated nonmonogamy and cheating, there's a really good chance that you're wrong.
15) If you meet someone who is dissatisfied with monogamy or having trouble with monogamy, mention polyamory (or other types of negotiated nonmonogamy) to them as a possibility. Lots of people become polyamorous later in life simply because they did not know it was a possibility when they were younger.
16) Question your own prejudices about which relationships are valuable and worthy of celebration. Do you consider nonmonogamous relationships to somehow be inferior or less loving? Do you assume that they are unstable, or always end quickly? Do you understand that commitment and monogamy are not the same thing?
17) Note when monogamous assumptions are built into books or media. Ask yourself questions like, "how would this romantic comedy be different if nonmonogamy was a possibility?".
18) Check out poly resources of various sorts: online, books, etc. This serves two purposes. Not only do you get to know better what it is like to be polyamorous, but many poly relationship techniques (like managing jealousy or learning to communicate better) are really helpful in monogamous relationships.
Also, here's GLAAD's very short and sweet list of ways to be an ally to LGBTQ people in your community: How to Be an Ally and a Friend. Most of these suggestions go equally well for any oppressed group, not just queer folks. Try Googling "how to be an ally" for even more.
And have a happy Coming Out Day!
